What are they and how can we work on them efficiently?
The two terms Self-confidence and Self-esteem are often not only confused, but they are rarely understood in a way that helps us to obtain them.
In the simplest of terms, you could say that Self-confidence points to trusting oneself and Self-esteem expresses how you value yourself. Your current Self-confidence is related to your current abilities, so obtaining new abilities in areas that you sucked at, can improve your Self-confidence. However, Self-esteem goes much deeper and asks for another kind of Personal Growth.
About Self-confidence
You can be extremely confident in one area, but at the same time completely lack confidence in other areas. To find the courage to enter into a new area and expand our confidence to other areas, we often hold on to a certain self-image: I am this or that, I am in gods grace, I am an entrepreneur, mother, locksmith, Christian, Muslim, feminist, to give ourselves a basic sense of confidence and security from which to expand our abilities ‘safely’.
This kind of confidence is based on our internal belief-system and the story we tell ourselves about our lives, but that same belief-system is strangely enough also the cause for many (if not all) of our insecurities. Fact is that both Self-confidence and Self-esteem are subject to an internal struggle, but they are played out at different levels of consciousness.
Action and effort vs. value
A significant difference between confidence and esteem is that our level of confidence can be built through action and learning, while Self-esteem seems to be something we have little or no control over. This can be easily recognized in what is called the Imposter Syndrome (doubting one’s own accomplishments) that even high achievers regularly suffer from. Many of them actually made it far beyond average in their efforts, specifically because they are over-achievers and perfectionists that are pushed by the fact that deep down they still feel strong self-doubt.
Before you interpret the high achievers’ achievements as something positive, let’s get one thing straight. If lack of self-esteem is your problem, it will not matter how much confidence you build, because it does not affect your core Self-esteem. Our Self-esteem is embedded in numerous of our automated reaction-patterns. Certain types of situations trigger particular thought and behavioural patterns and at the core of those, we find our (lack of) Self-esteem.
So how can we come to value ourselves more? Sadly, most of the indications I have encountered on this topic are actually meant for building and increasing a general sense of Self-confidence, which is obviously not what we are looking for here. Another category of solutions is too ‘new age-y’ to be of practical use, even though some truth can often be found in them. Advise like ‘Be yourself’, ‘Be still’, or ‘Trust in you Power’ may help you feel good for a little while, but they are simply too vague to help create the core level change we are looking for.
About Self-Esteem
Because our Self-esteem issues go much deeper, many methods and therapies focus their efforts on unravelling all kinds of childhood experiences and traumas. I have seen people make certain progress with that kind of approach, but it is often tedious and painful to go through the kind of hurtful key moments that helped shape our lack of Self-Esteem.
It’s also not always certain that you can get to the original causes, especially if you were very young when they occurred. Some core feelings may even have been created through what your mother experienced when you were still in her belly. That makes it extremely difficult to reach and impractical for fast improvement.
It doesn’t surprise me to see that so much is written about Self-Esteem. However, so few have made serious progress with it, that an alternative approach to this should be more than welcome. I have experienced first hand that to work effectively on your core Self-trust, you need to rise to a whole new level of consciousness. Sadly, we were never taught how to get to the necessary level, even though I’m sure it would be a valuable addition to our current education and society.
The deeper level of value
A new level of consciousness probably sounds pretty vague, and perhaps even difficult or ominous, but that is not my intent. The difficult part in the process is that it’s new and unfamiliar to most people, so it needs explanation and practice, and a minimal level of openness to new ideas.
Practising this new consciousness is something like starting to use a muscle for the first time. It may feel awkward, counter-intuitive and almost alien at first, but once you get used to it, you can train that ‘muscle’ to be stronger every day. Many people experience a kind of aha-moment the first time they achieve the necessary state of consciousness.
I know… still vague for those who have never experienced it. But I refuse to follow in the footsteps of those who try to explain in a single article how to raise your Self-esteem in ‘x simple steps’. First of all, I would not do the experience and process any justice, and therefore it would only be food for useless discussions, misunderstanding and missed chances. And secondly, it takes a certain commitment from you if you really wish to grow as a person so it would be irresponsible for me to try and reduce it to the size of an online blog post.
Instead, I offer you a book, 115 pages more or less, in which I take you through the whole process. If done right, it will definitely be an eye-opener and life changer, because it has the potential to take you on a fast track to reduce unnecessary suffering, expand your view on, and understanding of life, and to increase your joy and happiness… like it did for me.
