Not everyone you disagree with is stupid or evil!

Actually, no-one is… or everyone, depending on how you look at it, but let’s not turn that into an ugly discussion.

The digital era has made communicating over great distances a piece of cake. We can tell each other how much we care for one another through a multitude of social media platforms, but that a is definitely not the only thing we communicate. For example, Facebook has a history of comments and discussions turning into verbal wars, even (or especially) about the silliest things so I will take Mark Zuckerberg’s platform as a reference.

Understanding the platform

To understand the more aggressive discussions on Facebook we first need to understand Facebook itself. Facebook originally started out as a profiling website for Harvard students and staff (it was called ‘The Facebook’ back then). As the story is told, within the first 24 hours about 1,200 students signed up and it spread to other Universities soon after. 

What was the cause of this immense success? At first sight, Facebook appears to be an instrument or tool, a means to an end. But, as seen with many tools, it can be used in different ways and to different ends. It’s also an instrument because if we do not learn how to ‘play’ the instrument correctly, we will most likely create disharmony. 

You can use a hammer as a tool to build something, but it can also be used to destroy. However, it is the individual that uses the tool who causes the destruction, even if the instrument is sometimes instrumental to the extent of it. After all, it’s easier to be aggressive when the consequences are minimized by the physical distance between the people that are involved in the discussion.

You might think that we get to choose how we use the tools we are given, but is that true? When looking at the explosive initial growth of the platform, for example, it becomes clear that there is something extremely engaging, addictive and compulsive about it. Something that most of the people who signed up probably never realized. So signing up was pretty effortless (a literal no-brainer perhaps?), while quitting seems almost impossible. That is practically the definition of an addiction! Reason for which Facebook’s first president, Sean Parker, said that it ‘exploits human vulnerability’.

The true addiction

Most of what we understand as social behaviour in modern society has an addictive quality to it and that makes up an important part of the vulnerability Sean Parker mentioned. Sadly, a huge amount of our so-called social activities and behaviour aren’t really very social at all. They are mostly egoic in nature, even when there seems to be a positive intent behind it.

When talking about ego you probably think of the ‘negative’ in yourselves and others. We say that someone with a big ego is full of himself or egocentric, but those are just particular ways and forms in which ego expresses itself. Someone who is ‘doing good’ may very well be as much motivated by his or her own ego as the egocentric person. The form in which it expresses itself may differ, but the source can still be the same.

When ego’s the source of our behaviour, our choices are not ‘free’ choices anymore. The ego is also a tool and instrument, an inner tool, but we were never actually taught how to use and ‘orchestrate’ it effectively. The devastating consequence is that ego has come to ‘use’ and play us, instead of us using the instrument. The instrument has become leading in our lives and our true Self has become enslaved by and addicted to it. 

Vulnerable to manipulation

In that particular state of ego-dominance, in which the majority of people reside at every waking moment of their lives, we are extremely vulnerable to manipulation. Facebook simply hooks into our ego with ease and tries to keep us there for as long as possible. That was actually the objective from the creator’s point of view, according to Facebook’s former president Sean Parker. 

By the way, not having an account on Facebook does not mean you aren’t used and played by your ego, because it is not Facebook doing that. We do that (to) ourselves as a consequence of how we are raised within our modern culture. The only thing Facebook tries to achieve is to become an extension of our ego and it does a darn good job. Facebook is not actually about sharing. It’s really about emotions and ego.

You might wonder at this point why this is not common knowledge, but there’s a very simple explanation: We are so terribly identified with the way ego handles things, that we accept it as normal. However, the fact that everyone does it, may make it normal in the way that being enslaved by our ego is a regular pattern in humans today, but it’s not necessarily logical, or even natural.

Inner and outer discussions

Albert Einstein said something like ‘Problems cannot be solved by the level of awareness that created them’ and many therapists may tell you something similar. What he says is true, but knowing that we are collectively and individually trapped in our ego, puts this in a whole new perspective. Not all, but many therapies still try to work within the realm of ego, and although they seem to create a bit more awareness, they are not necessarily freeing anyone from their enslavement by ego.

As I said before, ego provokes ‘good’ as well as ‘bad’ behaviour and choices. For those who believed that our ego has a cohesive set of properties, or that only ‘ego-centric’ behaviour was ego, be aware that ego is completely fragmented! In fact, when we find ourselves having an inner struggle where two opposites debate their ‘righteousness’ amongst each other, the fight is really between two opposite tendencies within our ego. 

Imagine, for example, what it does to your inner dialogue when a desire clashes with a sense of guilt that goes against it. If our real Self were simply using our mind as a tool to weigh the pros and cons, this would not be a problem at all. Our inner reality, however, is that we fully identify with both of the disputing tendencies within our ego, which can easily turn the whole inner discussion into our personal hell of our own making. 

Ego is completely convinced that the desire and the guilt are both what we want, so it gets into an inner conflict to see which of the two is stronger. It’s obvious that there is no right answer to be found at that level of egoic debate, but if you compare it to many Facebook-discussions gone ugly, those online discussions are actually very similar. The only difference is, that the for and against of the Facebook-discussions are divided over two (or more) different persons and egos.

Waging war

The discussion can be pretty complicated when both sides of the discussion are within our own ego. Imagine when only one of them is within us and the other is outside of us. Our ego will identify completely with ‘our side’ and anyone attacking that, is directly attacking us, or so our ego believes. What else can we do in such a situation but defend ourselves and launch counter-attacks at full strength? 

That is how heated discussions arise from the (often meaningless) regular chatter on social media, but also at work, or within our own family, between political supporters, and even between different countries. They are like the mental waging of war, and reason has little to do with it. 

Emotions rule us increasingly in this kind of discussions because we feel threatened. You may think you have thought it through, but by attaching yourself to a specific idea (identification), you made the idea something personal and any range of emotions and primal reactions can be triggered by an attack on whatever you have identified yourself with. Is that freedom? No, it’s not. But how does understanding this help you to become free of it?

Why choose another path?

If we are to believe what Albert Einstein said, we need to reach a new level of awareness. When we think of higher levels of awareness (or consciousness), perhaps terms like meditation, enlightenment, etcetera, come to mind, which to some could make it sound unreachable, unrelated to your life, or simply unpractical and unreal. But, that is actually another misperception created in the egoic mind, because for the ego this new level of awareness is truly a state which it cannot be a part of. However, it doesn’t mean that the ego will suddenly seize to exist. It is simply a human state in which the ego has no use. It’s above ego’s pay-grade’. 

We are not taught this in our current lives, so we have to take it upon ourselves to learn it. But why would you want to? The honest answer is that not everyone will want to at this point in history. Many people are too invested in this ego-driven society to even look for an alternative, so right now there is simply no reason strong enough for them to change that. 

Others, however, will feel the need to go beyond what they know and understand right now, and many of them are motivated by the wish to stop the inner suffering and conflicts that they deal with on a daily basis. Some see the state of the world and suffer it so much, that they feel the need to choose an alternative path. 

There are also quite a few justice- and freedom-fighters active nowadays, that have seen their sometimes tremendous efforts lead to little or no result, and they are starting to realize that information, knowledge and motivational words are not enough to make change happen. Change has to happen within before it can happen out there in the world and Facebook may yet have a role to play in that process, but only if we can find ways to help people find true freedom. Then  Facebook can become a useful and positive instrument for change.

Being in the zone

To find your true freedom, you will need to ‘enter’ into a different state. A state that is actually always there in the background, but of which you are normally unaware. Most people do know the state at least a little bit. It’s there, for example, for a little while when someone is in the zone, as it is sometimes called in sports. 

People that train very hard, like top tennis players, can sometimes let go of (forget) their ego, especially at crucial moments in a game, to play their best tennis. It seems to just happen, but in fact, it’s because of their extensive training and the amount of concentration they put into the game, that they naturally step into the state that is needed. The game itself takes all available attention and leaves ego dormant for a moment. Sometimes it’s ego itself that prepares the player for this state when it can’t live with losing the game and the player starts ‘psyching himself or herself up’ to try even harder.

You can also see the opposite happen when a player cramps up at the verge of victory because that is when ego steps back in and maybe starts to think about all that could happen if they would win or lose the game. A great example of that is shown in the movie ‘Wimbledon’. The great thing about that movie is that it contains a lot of inner dialogue during the games. Another movie that demonstrates what ‘being in the zone’ means, is ‘Peaceful Warrior’, in which the main character learns how to achieve it consciously and willingly, with the help and instructions of a strange and mysterious teacher.

‘Forget’ ego

When we become overly self-aware we are not in the zone. We blush, we stutter, we make mistakes and that means that we are operating at the level of ego. What we are really aware of in those moments is not ourselves, but certain aspects of our ego. What happens with the mentioned top tennis players is that they ‘forget’ their ego because all their attention goes into playing the game. Their training makes it possible to do that in such a fluent a natural state, that they also, in a way, ‘forget’ their body. They become conduits for what the game needs, and they do it without thinking about it.

If you are worried about having to train like a pro tennis player… don’t! I am just using it to explain what this state does and give an example of where it can already be found and recognized in the world. On one side we have seen the role that our egos play in the discussion on Facebook. On the other side, we have the state of being in the zone. How can that help us to make Facebook a useful tool and stop believing that everyone we disagree with is stupid and evil?

In other words, what can you do to change the discussion on Facebook and in the real world? According to Einstein, the answer would be: By climbing up to a higher level of awareness or consciousness. However, that is not the reality of it, because the consciousness is already there and saying that it is at a higher level only makes it sound difficult to reach. The necessary state of consciousness is there, but it is simply filtered and distorted by our identification with the ego, so there is no actual ‘climbing’ to a higher level involved. 

Find your Self

What being in the zone shows us, is very similar to the state of consciousness that is needed to un-identify with ego. The reason we choose terms like ‘in the zone’ isn’t just that we are so not used to experiencing this particular state, but also because we try to describe it from our ego’s point of view. Ego, obviously, doesn’t really understand this state and will even see it as a threat to its existence. Hence the self-doubt that usually starts creeping in and taking over after a brief period of being in the zone. That is why most top athletes will tell you that the real battle happens inside.

What you can do to change the discussion on Facebook and elsewhere is ‘evolve’. Too long has humanity been trapped within the ego, waging war on ourselves and each other, fighting over land and resources and destroying the planet in the process. And don’t worry about ‘losing yourself’, as sometimes is suggested when talking about letting go of ego, because you will actually find your Self. Your true Self, which you never knew you had. That of course, should not be taken lightly and does require some sacrifice. 

The sacrificial lamb in this case, is that you will need to let go of the illusion of who you are. Even though it’s just an illusion, you will not always find it easy, because our ego feeds of the identification and emotional attachment that you have with it. In other words, you’re letting go of the attachment so that the illusion disappears, but there are many emotions (that Facebook tries to hook into) and even instincts involved in the attachment and identification, which can make it tremendously challenge sometimes.

Transcending the discussion

What I’ve explained so far about Facebook can also be translated to other social media platforms, to board-rooms and other kinds of work-related discussion, as well as disputes within the family, but its effect doesn’t end there. Freedom changes everything! The process of transcending the described issues will, therefore, have a much wider effect than just the narrow goal this article focusses on. It can literally change your entire life when you start to work on yourself in the way that’s described here.

For those who wish to start this process, I refer you to my book ‘You can be the Guru!’, where I present the way I found and applied myself, based on the ideas and teachings of many coaches and gurus, and on my own life experiences. 

Although it’s a process, real progress can be made from day one. It may take a little bit of trying, but once you experience your true Self for the first time, you can immediately start working on letting go of the illusionary attachment to, and identification with the egoic mind. The ego will still play a role in your life, but it will slowly turn into the inner playground, workplace and mirror for your true Self that it was meant to be.

It can also help you become more and more immune to the intoxicating discussions online, on TV, at work and between friends and family, while gaining insights that transcend the actual discussions that you encounter.

This change is what can turn Facebook and other media into the useful and positive instrument and tools they could be. This evolution is what will help you see with extreme clarity that we are collectively trapped in the same state of delusion. ‘They’ are suffering from the same disease that you were suffering from when you were still emotionally attached to your personal opinions, and its no-one’s fault. ‘They’ are neither stupid nor evil. ‘They’ are actually ‘We’… and ‘We’ are evolving through you.